Yeah! I think I’ve got it now! I wanna be the best at something, for once!!! I want to be number one, to stand the highest on a pod, to earn prices, yeah, that’s what I want.

Now it all makes sense. All those shows I like, and I don’t understand why, have a role in this. Dead like me: about having another chance after not really living. Hannah freaking Montana: about being the best, the very best, while hiding it from everyone else. All of the shows I usually watch are about people who excel and are on the top.

I wanna win a prize, a medal. I’ve been second at the most, but never first.

Am I trying to hard? Am I not trying hard enough? What the hell is it? I have no idea what to do with my life!!!

I’m exhausted of this second major, why am I doing this? I’m already an engineer, and I don’t need to be a chemical engineer in order to work where I want…right? What is it? Tell me, WHAT IS IT?

I’m having a mid life crisis 25 years too early. I don’t know where I’m heading. I thought I had a goal, but where is that goal gonna take me? I’m being a researcher, and supposedly it’s a well paid job, but where is it well paid? I’m freaking starving working ad honorem as a researcher and a quarter time as a teacher. I could be winning some good money, but no, I didn’t want it cuz I wanted to know it all, and be the most knowledgeable, point is: I’m not, and I’ll never be. I can’t know it all, I’m not omniscient, I can’t be what I wanna be on this lifetime.

So, an engineering student with almost two degrees? Well one is pending and the other is still one or two years away. Can I wait that long? It’s too much of a wait, and I’m exhausted, I’ve been going to school since I was 3 years old, and I’ve been in college for 8, with a bachelor’s degree, a pending thesis, and one more year and another thesis for my other major. So what comes next?

Finally a job? A masters? I’m sick of studying!!!!!!!!! But I don’t wanna be stuck on a 8 to 5 job. I don’t know what do I want from the future, it’d be easy if I knew. My friend they wanna get married and have children and blah, but me? I just wanted to be the best at everything, which at the end I’m not, I’m aging, I’m not as powerful as I wanted to be, I don’t have the body or the looks I wanted. I just wanted to be standing on top of the pyramid overlooking the world, but it’s not gonna freaking happen. No, it’s not gonna and that’s upsetting.

Do I want to travel the world? Yeah!!!! Do I also wanted to be the most intelligent, the best looking, tanned, muscular, slim, chiseled, rich, and why?? I don’t know why!!!!!! But it’s not gonna happen.

I know nothing!!!!!! I hate this.

On the continuing dilemma of the path to take.

So, today’s introspection is: Why the hell am I continuing to study chemical engineering? I should have not transferred to mechanical engineering in the first place cuz I hate the jobs I would potentially get. But if I had continued on just chemical engineering, I would had failed miserably during the years and I would have gotten depressed because of that fact. Now I have the capacity and maturity to take and pass the chemical engineering subjects in one go, AND I have another engineering degree, which overall is better than to have several failed subjects and no title yet, just like most fellow chemical engineering students of my first generation.

The other motivation besides getting a more satisfactory job than in mechanical engineering is the probable money that I could get. It’s way better in chemical engineering than in mechanical engineering, and the extra that I would have two titles instead of one.

Last week, in my planning of production class, I felt tired: tired of doing tests, quizzes, of trying to read what a teacher wants in their exams, tired of studying for a subject in which the professor thinks that all of his students are idiots and lesser beings than him.

And during the week I also felt that I’m tired of calculi, physicsand chemistry, with a conclusion that I need to work on my artistic side, which keeps me alive. So instead of considering those graduate programs in bioengineering, robotics, automatization and control, nanotechnology, I decided that I wanted to pursue a masters degree in architecture. I could use my engineering knowledge for it, and I would have some design studio subjects which I crave for.

Another issue I’m having is money, which can be also added to independence. Money money money, what an issue. Right now I’m depending on gramps and my quarter time job, which is barely enough, I want to live a luxurious life, eat well, go to the gym, but I can’t do so while I study. I still have around 14 subjects left, in two semesters, which can be, and I predict to be, totally overwhelming.

I’ve been experimenting with the academia, and it’s not easy either. Why? Because one has to do a lot of bibliographical research, reading, analysis, publication. So the easy way seems to go into production. At least is a brain rest I guess. But there is a conflict with studying chemical engineering. Most production jobs demand full time availability, no part time jobs for moi.

So from here until the end of the semester, I’ll keep surviving, I’ll do whatever it takes to finish my thesis and get my second mechanical engineering degree, and I’ll also fight to pass all my chemical engineering subjects.

Right now I just have to suck it up, do my homework, study, tolerate professors, and pass. Cheers.